#HTE

The Best Weekly Design Roast Burns from 2019, Part 1

This year we launched the Weekly Design Roast which, happily, has been a success and has not yet resulted in the death threats we anticipated. Here we’ll pick our faves from each week. Get ‘em now before we get cease-and-desisted out of operation.

From Week #1:

“The client needed a handrail. I accidentally ordered way too much tubing. My solution not only uses up all of the tubing, but has the added bonus of making it more difficult to vacuum underneath the stairs. I also blocked a doorway with the staircase placement, but that’s not my problem, I’m just the designer.”

From Week #2:

“For the first few weeks, the client kept saying they worried they would fall off of the landing. I solved this by adding a collapsible desk beneath it that would cushion their fall.”

From Week #3:

“You will never tire of the novelty of needing to physically rotate this living unit, after removing any object that might fall, into one of three uncomfortable configurations.”

From Week #4:

“This works great! (Except for that one time I forget to set the parking brake. Yeah, that was pretty bad.)”

From Week #5:

“I work as a set designer for one of those soap operas where arguing housewives regularly fall down the stairs. The stuntpeople started complaining that the falls were getting boring. My new design makes the process much more exciting.”

From Week #6:

“What’s the big deal? Just wash your hands after you use it, you puss. This is a space-saving design.”

From Week #7:

“You can use this like a chaise longue, or open it up, flip it over and use it like a chaise longue that takes up twice as much space.”

From Week #8:

“As you continue to sit on this wallet over time, it will develop a beautifully crunchy, splintery patina.”

From Week #9:

“I think the best position to fall asleep in is to pretend you’re riding on the back of your lover’s motorcycle.”

From Week #10:

“I mean sure, it gets a little grey and filmy after it rains, but you can just build hemispherical scaffolding both inside and outside of it, spend a couple of days scrubbing, then just disassemble the scaffolds and put them away and it’s good as new.”

From Week #11:

“Since you’re already walking around while texting and not looking where you’re going, let’s add some hot coffee to the mix.”

From Week #12:

“I’ve joined the legion of clever designers who design a thing that doesn’t work well, but is cool because it’s made out of another thing.”

From Week #13:

“I like to put a waterfall edge on surfaces that hold delicate objects, like votive candles and lamps. I also like secondary shelves to be at an angle. You can still place things on the second shelf, you just have to wedge them in there tightly from right-to-left. (Refer to the instruction manual.)”

From Special Edition - 1950s Dream Home:

“Goddammit, Billy–How many times have I asked you not to sit on our WHITE leather Eames chair after you’ve been playing outside? Why don’t you drink some chocolate milk on it, too?”