#HTE

The Weekly Design Roast, #10

“Sure, from the front it looks like a cross between a high-heeled shoe and a headless, objectified woman. But I designed it so that from the other side, it looks like a frog. Or a toad. I don’t know, I always get those two mixed up.”

“I call it a Chaise Longue-Tall-Wide with Integrated Reading Lights and Floating Shelf Desk. It’s not meant to relate to anything else in the room, like other furniture or walls, but would ideally exist in a space of white infinity. I know you don’t see any power cords; that’s because the white things you lie on are actually battery cells.”

“I wanted to design a difficult-to-ship bathroom sink that features a long, thin, pointy shelf that you can’t actually place anything on.”

“I don’t mean to derail this meeting, Sandra, but I’ll ask you again: Please address me as ‘Ball Turret Gunner’ rather than 'Brian from Accounting.’”

“If there’s one thing I hate about coasters, it’s that they can only hold one glass at a time, they’re too easy to stack and put away, and there’s little chance you’ll accidentally knock a drink off of one. Plus, pointy steel and glass always go well together.”

“I’m trying to start a new, hot trend: Under-bed lighting. Changing the bulb is kind of a pain in the ass, but I think it’s worth the trade-off of having illuminated carpet.”

“We want our little girl to grow up to be a princess. With our son, we’re aiming for contractor.”

“I mean sure, it gets a little grey and filmy after it rains, but you can just build hemispherical scaffolding both inside and outside of it, spend a couple of days scrubbing, then just disassemble the scaffolds and put them away and it’s good as new.”

“Since the base is nearly as long as the tabletop, this doesn’t actually save much space, but when you’re not using the table, you’ll enjoy the convenience of having a bookshelf you can’t place anything on right in the middle of the room.”

“I always carry extra batteries with me to keep my LED Middle Finger Car Message charged. Even though road rage shootings are a thing, I’m sure that if I cut someone off and turn this Fuck You light on, the other motorist will accept his loss gracefully and leave me alone.”