#HTE

The Designey Roundup, #1

“The client needed a handrail. I accidentally ordered way too much tubing. My solution not only uses up all of the tubing, but has the added bonus of making it more difficult to vacuum underneath the stairs. I also blocked a doorway with the staircase placement, but that’s not my problem, I’m just the designer.”

“When using the bathroom, I want to be reminded that at least one extra cow had to be slaughtered to satisfy my whims. I also like to think of breasts when I look at the underside of my toilet lid.”

“I could’ve just done this with a hook, but a) I wanted to be forced to use both hands when hanging or removing an object, and b) I wanted to spend a lot more money on materials than a simple hook costs.”

“I like to keep these stair treads highly smooth and polished. That way, someone might slip and send their leg right between the steps. If they slip with both feet at the same time, it might result in a pretty sweet nut shot on that center support. #AmericasFunniestStaircases”

“Most leather things I carry are not heavy enough. Problem solved.”

“What you want in a kitchen drawer handle, is for it to be really difficult to clean out when you spill sauce–okay, red wine–down the front of it. I’ll call my handle design the Crumb and Cabernet Catcher.”

“I love working on desks that I can accidentally drop pens or sheets of paper through. I’ve also always wanted a furniture version of the last-year-these-pants-fit-me-but-now-they’re-too-tight feeling; when I gain weight after the holidays, I want to have to fold up an extra section so that I can fit.”

“I like designing furniture, and I like Eames stuff, but I don’t want to get sued. I also love this jacket I’ve got that has big wooden buttons. Hey–wait a second! I’m getting an IDEA!”

“When I take a key with me, I like to have hard wooden spheres of varying diameters pressing against my thigh from inside my pocket. It also looks cool, like I’ve got wandering nuts.”

“The problem with coat hangers is, they’re too easy to hook onto the closet rod–I get it right on the first try every time. I want a coat hanger that requires careful coordination to get it onto the rod. I also like to have sharp metal edges on the surfaces that I grab with my hands.”