#HTE

Top 11 Things You Missed About “The Last Jedi” [Spoilers]

“Star Wars” fans are pretty divided on “The Last Jedi,” which for the record I thought was pretty good. But here are some things that jumped out at me about the movie:

- Why is Laura Dern’s character, a freaking Vice Admiral leading a rebellion that’s about to be snuffed out, dressed like she has dinner reservations in midtown Manhattan? She looks like she’s about to send a steak back to the kitchen: “I asked for medium rare, this is overdone–no, I don’t want to hear your excuses, take it away.”

- Why is Kylo Ren’s voice module so shitty? With the helmet on he sounds like he’s speaking through the door intercom of a low-income-housing apartment building. Whenever I hear his voice I feel like I’m about to buzz the pizza guy in. “I SAID, THE ELEVATOR IS BROKEN, YOU NEED TO TAKE THE STAIRS.”

 - Whenever Kylo and Rey did their Space Skype/ForceTime chats, I wanted to see those chats preceded with a buffering symbol. Ideally it would look like the GIF at left but with the Death Star in the middle of it.

- Snoke has clearly been in some kind of moped accident, yet can’t be bothered to get reconstructive surgery to fix his eyeline? The man is Supreme Leader for chrissakes, and all political leaders at that level are vain. Also he needs to get Invisalign and see a dermatologist.

- How did Captain Phasma ever get promoted to Captain? She’s utterly incompetent; I’d sooner follow Captain Crunch into battle. Maybe if she spent more time training and less time polishing her armor she’d be effective. “Phasma” should be spelled with an “F” for “Fail.”

- In the earlier films, even when they cast older Jedi–Sir Alec Guinness, Liam Neeson–they had a vitality to them. Not so with Luke this time around. I kept waiting for him to yell “Rey! Have you seen my fanny pack? I can’t find my heart pills!”

- When Poe is reunited with BB-8, Poe is so happy to see him that he uses both hands to stimulate the droid’s belly like he’s rubbing a spherical puppy. I found this gross and unhygienic. Because of the manner in which he locomotes, BB-8’s entire body is like the sole of a shoe. Poe Dameron has just wiped his mitts over every filthy flooring surface in the movie and you never see him wash his hands.

- Instead of being armed with laser rifles, all of Snoke’s bodyguards have freaking melee weapons. When the camera panned across them I expected to see the last four holding a baseball bat, a tennis racket, a rolled-up newspaper and a broken beer bottle.

How lightsabers are made

- When Luke runs into Yoda’s ghost, the latter says “Missed you I have, Skywalker.” Luke should’ve been like “Well, whose fault is that? You’re the Force Ghost that can just pop in whenever he wants, it’s not like I can go visit you. Unless I kill myself at the end of this movie and become a Force Ghost too. Okay, hint received.”

- There’s a scene where the transport ships are being bombarded and Poe screams something at the female pilot like “C'mon, faster, give it full thrusters!” and she goes “I am, sir.” Her line should’ve been “No shit, you mansplaining dick, I’ve already got it floored! They’re shooting at us, you think I’ve got this motherf*cker in second gear?”

- At the end there’s like 200 of those crystal fox-dog things running around, and not a single one of them takes a crystal dump or lifts his leg on an X-wing? I’m not buying it. At least two of the escapees on the Millennium Falcon should be wrinkling their noses and inspecting their shoes going “Goddammit–Rey, you got any paper towels on this thing? Or like a scrubber brush?”

- When Finn is on his suicide run, Rose supposedly swings her ship around and crashes into him to knock him out of the way and save his life. On the ground they exchange some dialogue, she steals a kiss and then appears to succumb to her wounds.

I’ve thought about it a lot and realized what really happened. Rose is a technician with no mention of piloting experience. She probably crashed into him by accident, improvised a good excuse, stole a kiss to distract from the obviousness of her lie, then pretended to die because she was so embarrassed. Well-played, Rose Tico.