#HTE

A Look Inside President Trump’s “White House North”

Happy President’s Day! Today we’ll take a look at what’s been unofficially dubbed White House North, President Trump’s New York residence that maintains a Secret Service detail due to members of his family living there.*

The Trump residence is a triplex that’s reportedly 30,000 square feet. I couldn’t find a floorplan of the actual penthouse, but did find a floorplan for what an average floor of Trump Tower looks like. Assuming the Trump residence spans the entire width of the building over all three floors, this will give you an idea of its scale:

Now let’s have a look at the inside. Here is the receiving room, where there is rather a lot of gold. 

Gold can be heavy, very heavy. But if you hold it up with marble columns it’s no problem.

This recessed marble area can be filled with chips and a variety of delicious dipping sauces.

One issue with gilded rooms is that sometimes chandeliers, recessed cove lighting and floor-to-ceiling windows do not provide enough illumination; for this reason a candelabra is always within reach on the coffee table.

The room is decorated symmetrically. This mirrors our country’s perfect levels of equal respect between the left and the right. 

Here is an informal meeting area. Favored guests sit in the chairs with the black pillows. Unfavored guests get no lumbar support, but they are offered their choice of either staring at a framed portrait of Trump Senior or being served an enormous martini.

This table is held up by golden babies with well-defined calves.

You know how if you brush your teeth, then drink orange juice it tastes disgusting? That can be offset by drinking the OJ from a gold-rimmed chalice.

This cabinet is where President Trump, an avid DJ, stores his turntable and all of his vinyl (mostly mid-‘90s hip hop).

Here is one of the staircases leading to one of the upper floors. Rumor has it that one of the President’s advisors lives beneath this staircase, behind the ferns, but this is a respectable blog and we don’t print unsubstantiated rumors.

There is a painting on the curved wall lining the staircase. I found two different photos with two different paintings, and judging by the other elements in the photos it’s the same staircase, so apparently he gets bored and swaps the paintings out every so often. But the theme remains the same: Both of these are images from Peter Jackson’s popular “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

There aren’t any publicly-available photos of the upper floors, so I’m afraid our tour ends here. But one thing I want to mention:

*Some folks are angry that it is costing taxpayers $1 million per day to guard White House North, arguing that Trump’s wife and child should live at the White House, relieving New York City of the financial burden. However, the Trumps have decided that their son should be allowed to finish the year at his current school.

We can all criticize Trump for his policies and views, but we oughtn’t question whatever decisions are made for the sake of his own family. And we should not, and must not, criticize a schoolboy for matters that are well beyond his control.

We can, however, criticize his parents for giving him a stuffed lion that may or may not have been shot by a dentist.